Love is carried by the breeze.. breeze which is filled with warmth, passion, care, shades and much more that I want myself to get embrace with..
While sun rays tressing my skin.. where the breeze filled with the warmth.. makeimg my skin moisture. The chills in the pit of my stomach giving me abit ofshiver.. my eyes capturing all the colours mixing with each other on the very part of the earth, the sky and the horizon, sensing passion to every positive thought in my mind.. every shade in the colour of the flowers around me is a reminder ofthe reality of love and miraclebetweennature and me..
I feel myself whizzing over the flowers of spring, discerning love from the breeze of my midway garden towards the hall.. hoping to get possessed by that slight tenderness of love which I’m seeking of.
It’s my soul not me. It’s my intensity in the direction of affection not me.
It’s a story of a girl been lost in the world where she hopes to have atleast one glance of the boy she adored in there childhood.
Adored whole heartedly.. while being just kids, she knew there was something different the way she felt and not knowing what it was, never knew what does it really mean.. and now it’s been years they havn’t seen eachother, met or heard anything about eachother..
Where all of a sudden, in a family function there sight collide. Her expressions are happy, annoyed, embarrassed, angry, pleased, confused.. and she stands still
After these many years.. may be ten.. may be more then that. I’m seeing you today. You were unexpected to me here! You were always unexpected anyways until I remember.. After all these years and after all the unattended other functions.. you thought of attending this function?
In all this dim light chaos between you and me.. between the known andunknown people.. it’s you who feel more then knowing to me here.. all thoughts are flooding overme..
Is it even fair? It’s been so long I haven’t seen you and although I can’t even see you clearly.. the distance is too much. ‘ I want to see you.. I want to talk to you.. I have missed you so much.. where the hell have you been?! Never came to see me or never tried to contact me? What happened to you all of sudden didn’t you ever missed me? Or I’m the only fool who was expecting? How could you be so cruel to me? I know I was the only one who was so close to you.. haven’t you thought even once of me in so many years? I tried to know about you and no one knew anything! No one knew how was you.. or what were you doing these days.. I know there are times when things get changed but I wasn’t expecting this from you.. I have never wanted this to happen at any cost.’ And I don’t even know how my expressions are while looking at you now.. I just hope you won’t understand the rage with in me.. I can’t handle myself from controlling them. I don’t want to.. my heart is paining likesomeonehas stabbed it.
Iwish there is no one watching me.. I’m sure if anyone sees me in this moment, they’ll understand something is wrong with me and I don’t want that. But I can’t move.. it’s hard to even say something to anyone now. I’m trying to distract my mind and it’s hanged up like there is nothing on earth I can think about rather then him. I tried my best as I ignored him in seconds and thoughts running in my mind.. same as before..but more anxious.
The time we looked at eachother.. the way his expressions was a bit confused.. like he was analysing, remembering looking at me. He might be not sure about who I’m. It’s been so long.. even I was confused looking at him.. but it was less then a second, how can I forgot him tho.
Idon’t know about him anything now, what is he doing.. how’s his life.. how is he.. even his thoughts about me.. I have no idea. I don’t know if he feels the same way I feel or felt for him.. suddenly tears forming up in my eyes.
I was wondering.. why destiny is so cruel with me.. I didn’t wanted to go things in this way I never wanted this.. I have lost a big part of mine losing everything between us all these years and I can’t bear loosing more.
‘ let’s meet again, for the first time and start over.. let’s just make things right the way they were supposed to be. ‘
Although, that one glance has pleased me in so many ways. I’m satisfied.. knowing he is alive and good. I was feeling the same wave of his nature as it was. Soft and secretive.. observentandknowing..
I don’t want to talk and I hope he wishes the same.. I have tried getting myself together all these years, staying happy without thinking about him.. I don’t want to build hopes again after interacting with him.
So, till the time we left the function I hold myself to not search for him.. or look at him.. I never search for him or tried looking at him and so we didn’t interact till the end.. we left the function and things continued the way theywere..just a slight better..
7.8 week of quarantine, we are with our families happy, safe and chilling to the fullest, pursuing our leisure in the best way, trying new things, learning, thinking, sharing, caring and loving.
• Moments :
This pandemic has taught so much to us in many ways. Quarantine has been a recurring journey to me. Every single thought and memories in my mind has got place in so many different act of faith, credence, belief, trust, creed and mere self-realizations..
I loved the time i got to spend with my family. Talking about everythingI want.. asking what all they know.. how do they knew so much.. about there childhood, everything the cultures and experience they had.. and other different things.. the vibe of elders wanting us to know all about fun they use to have and a slight hint from that realising us missing good things more then we could imagine in this age.. and other anecdotes of joys and happiness.. listening to them feels blessfull.
Trying new things were the one when there was nothing to do and I just took a glance towards mom, she was making thin crisp cakes.. and I helped her out with that.. while rolling them I just felt nice in a lovely way I still don’t know why!.. was it because I was with her helping, chatting and laughing and realising it’s been so long I haven’t observed her so much.. she is ageing.. tho still looks beautiful.. always trying to learn new things.. happy in her own way.. i have missed her.. mean while she taught me how to make thethin crispcakes..
Lively it feels to watch the tress and plants of our garden.. Those are always moving when the air flows.. green and graceful. Watering them is what makes me feel close to the nature.. it seems like they are getting some tickling sensetions while I bedew water on them. The green long leafs shows the solace. Green colour in them gets brighter as if the is water hydrating the plants inside out.. and smiling while looking at me. And also the smell of petrichor!
Cooking was never a priority, until I tried something and then.. the compliments were pretty satisfing. So I taught to keep trying new recipes. YouTube helped me with the recipes, techniques, dishes.. and Instagrams helped with the looks and garnishing things. Never thought of using social media for this. Getting this much involved kept me freshly breathable.
Evening time is cards time.. everyone sits together.. as it’s been a while seens we are playing so everyone gathers and decides things before playing. The kind of snacks we should it. A different card game discussion. Getting ready to set on one place with all the jokes, laughter and prankers. Looking at all those joyfull, happily laughing faces thinking.. these people really mean so much to me.. and how beautiful the world is.
Dinner is the best part in all this.. everyone wondering and telling eachother how much we missed being together like this.. spending hours in talking.. teasing and laughing.. discussing things and supporting.
This quarantine has taught so much to me. I’m grateful to have my family with me safe & happy.
Love has never been understandable to me. I do not expect it to be comprehensible tho, if I got to know what it feels like.. may be I won’t able to experience the whole charm of it. And I know that’s what it’sall about, the charm.
• “Love is blind.” – Shakespeare :
Ever since I got to know about love, it was alot like philosophical, alot like fantasy, alot like deep, alot like me basically. That’s how I always imagine it to be like.. too natural to handle, too beautiful in a way, fasinating then I could ever imagine.
But, whenever I expirenced love in person it felt over the top everytime. The moment I felt that I tried to understand what was going on within me. It was strange. The way I felt was weird in the sense. I got confused at the same time, all this happened in that one moment and I was still trying to get myself into the moment, to get comfortable and feel nice. But none of that happened. This feeling seemed unfamiliar to me.
After sometime I just thought about it and felt like I was afraid. Afraid of getting too much into love. I realised being in love & fantasizing was more comfortable and convenient rather then being afraid of loosing someonein the end. But I also knew, love is all about being afraid of loosing eachother, being afraid of getting apart, being afraid of missing eachother in every moment.. and I knew it takes a alot to do that.. I didn’t know if I could be able to go through it.
Every single cell of my body, mind & soul was yearning for love. Even after knowing all the concequences I was ready to go through anything it wouldtake now. Seems like Shakespeare was right..
• Reality :
You get to know the truest sense of love when you are just giving it, tho ain’t expecting love in return. This one thought is what it takes to understand love in its purest form.
Being Lovable is what I felt when I was in love.. and now, it’s nearly impossible to change what I feel about love.
Love is unconditional in its own form in life.. pure in every form of life.
I do think about it randomly and feels like it’s the purest sense of life. And as I know now, a true sense of life islove.
It’s never been this hard to talk about anything but this. May be because it’s normal. Normal to think about other things, to understand and accept them rather then ourselves.
Basically, it’s in human behaviour. Where we can please people but not ourselves. Just because we have never observed us enough to know ourselves. Observing gives the ability to understand who we really are. It helps us to understand our behaviour.. the way we look at the world. And you realise if you are good going or not. And that realisation helps us to find ourselves in many ways.. to think for a minute. Its like meditation. Patience in a way to love yourself throughly.
• Realisation :
I have been trying to know myself from very long time. And basically it is important to know about ourselves to understand what we feel, what we think, what we observe around us.. and in which way you look at yourself in the mirror. It is important to me to forgive myself in everyway I could to able to love myself enough, even if it’s realising that how saddening the times from which I have gone through or how harsh I get when I’m angry.
I want to practice enough to stand straight for the way I’m. To believe myself that I’ll be able to handle at my lowest and to be the responsibile of my own decisions. To not look for or count on anyone else at any situation. To be self-reliant. Independent enough to look at myself and feel proud to know I have handled things in every positive way I could. To say myselfit’s ok..
I truely & genuinely believe in SELFLOVE. It’s not just because it’s about ” Me Being Me.” But it’s also about the way I want to be a kind of girl who cherishes herself for the way she is, & I don’t think any of the compliments or comments matters untill you know yourself throughly.
Selflove is not just about being the way you are making yourself comfortable in it. Selflove is a thought where you can find yourself truely being you and understanding you, accepting the fact that the way you think is beautiful, the way you stand is beautiful, the way you see is beautiful, the way you smile is beautiful.
I always thought of loving someone unconditionally what does it feels like? But i didn’t know falling in love is not in my hand.. i didn’t know falling in love was not just to care about someone or to laugh with or to spend time with or to do things together, or just missing eachother. It’s more then that.. unconditional loving. I tried to feel it so hard, as i was craving for it like a bird craves to fly in the sky. But it wasn’t in my hand.
I got to know this when the situation felt out of my hands and I was too late to know this.. i didn’t really want to continue the love which i wasn’t feeling unconditional, as i only wanted was the unconditional love. As the relationship didn’t last longer i was surprisingly satisfied after knowing I’m not in it anymore. As i know nowwhat I’m really expecting a relation shouldbe like..
• Fantasizing :
So, it’s about relationship & bonding i did always fantasized to be like.. partners to be so mutually understanding that they shouldn’t be waiting to say or tell something the way i saw in these movies of 50 shades of grey, darker & freed, twilight and all. it’s really amazing to know about the things u didn’t really thought of a man could think, understand, feel & love. I’m so attracted towards the habits of that particular character, and obviously every girl feels the same. I feel good atleast i now what kinda basic qualities I want in my partner now. Sometimes i feel I’m just obsessed with these things.. cause i always see myself attracted knowing about it, u can say some kinda human psychology I’m interested in & the thing is I’m feeling akward writing this! Tho it’s ok sometimes to go with the flow.
Another thing is.. if a guy is really good but doesn’t have those kinda habits i believe he should look forward in taking interest into things. & Even i would love to do so.. But also it’s more about how much a guy cares for you to change himself.
• The boy :
Now, talking about relationship i always wanted it to be fun & real good. Pranks, love, appreciating eachother, curiosity about world & thinkings of eachother’s… Like let’s go we should try this or we should go there.. or anything that’ll make life more crazy, new, beautiful, interesting, lovable, enjoyable, desirable, like i want to live one more day kinda feeling. But i never felt that feeling with anyone untill i mate him… I don’t know.. i don’t really know this guy that well.. whst he actually desires of and what crazy things he wanna do in he’s life. But after knowing him that he loves tattoos, relationships with no stupid thinking and bondings, having a life goal, practical mind, & mature thinking, also loves animated movies n all stuff.. & offcourse plays sports N things are real similar between us.. so i don’t know how it’s gonna be in real things between us.. I was curious.
• Meeting :
Um.. meeting was casual. I was attending sessions in Nagpur in one of the institute for NIFT – situation test so I was leaving in my granny‘s house. It was sunday and he had come to stay with his brother, brother’s wife & niece.. and I was in the kitchen helping granny while cooking when they arrived. It was a bit embarrassing for me cause I didn’t knew how to act in front of them as I wasn’t use to a guy staying with us. I didn’t know where to look how to react or how much to react and in what tone should suppose to react or should I even react or not? What is it made me seem unpleasent in front of them if I messed The feeling was horrible as I don’t really react to anyone like that.
First time I talk to him was about.. me asking him which bathroom he wanted to use to get fresh.. n I was embarrassed the second I thought this is what I can ask to anyone while having first conversation. He said it’s ok I can manage here. I wasn’t expecting any chance to talk again.. but I was so nervous that I use to end up being all around him weirdly.. stumbling sometimes.
So it was weird for me when I saw him first time. And there was alot to observe in him.. as it was hard to see a guy with a good dressing choices and he was the one. His nature was irresistible to identify as ihe so clam and patient. Hard to tell what was he thinking or felling. He was so poised and happy with his little niece.. playfull sometimes.. thoughtfull in everyway he talked. Nothing was more or over.. I felt just perfect watching him. I felt effortless for a moment. It was like I wanted to go and a talk to him like we have known eachother from long time.. but that was so stupid of me. So I controlled myself to stay focused and help granny with other stuff.
We had no talk for about two days and that wasn’t a big deal as he was off for the reunion and I was too gone too attent my sessions.. I was so happy and relieved it was my last second session and soon I was coming back home. I was missing home so much.. as I never gone out from far away for so long.. and classes were fifteen kilometres away from granny’s house I had to take the local buses and travel. There is no issue with traveling in buses as I love traveling in them but it was summer and summer sucks! Specially while traveling in buses, for one and a half hour. It was exausting.
I reached home at seven in the evening and he was there.. sitting calmly on one of the chairs of dining table. As if he was waiting for me. I entered got stumbled at the doorway and I just saw him secretly simling without looking at me.. and continuing whatever he was scrolling on the mobile. I felt weird about myself as if what was wrong with him.. and suddenly he looked at me and smiled again.. it was relifing. Suddenly the day was brighter even the sun was gone.. wasn’t feeling tried anymore. I got fresh and we had dinner together.. I again helped granny with the dishes.. watched TV a bit and started the home work. There was some sketches to do.. and a topic to scearch about.
• First conversation :
All of a sudden he asked me, “what is it about?”
I was stunned for a moment & quickly said “NIFT’s entrance preparations.”
His one eye brow up. “NIFT??”
I felt stupid to tell him I’m into fashion designing as it not a very deal for girl to go in that field for me it was a wow factor but for society that’s not very descent stream to choose for future. I replied , ” it’s a National Institute of Fashion Technology.”
He again had that same smile on his face that relifing smile but with again one eye brow up. “That’s great!” I was pleased.
“Yeah. It is.” I smiled back. I was nervous tho.
“I was also into animation and stuff.” He new was nervous and trying to relif me with the reply
“Really? When?” I was in surprised.. egar to know why didn’t he get in to the field. I was too sure he was just obviously perfect in whatever he wanted to do.
“Seens 12th, I wanted to have a career in it. But there wasn’t much faculties that time so.. I choose engineering.” He was still smiling, curious about my reply and expression to know.
” Have you tried sketching? Let’s sketch!” I was so excited knowing he really understands Art. But also a bit doubtful does he really means it?
He smiled again with both eye brows up now, ” It’s been really long holding pencils and sketching you know. I’m not sure if could be better comparing to you. You gotta co-operate.” He was getting ready to sketch with me. I was excited. And slitly positive about he is better then me.
“Yep!” I replied. He just searched something on Google and started copy a sketch from it.. I told him I was going to sketch live of him.. and the background. I wasn’t that good in sketching. He finished it in fifteen minutes and I was still struggling with the frame..
“I’m done.” He told with a hesitation. I saw the sketch was a miniature space warrior with a very stylish electronic helmet covering only the face not the so cool hair of it.. a literal perfect sketch. I was so astonished. And again I was nervous and embarrassed.
He asked to show mine, “You are great at this!” For a second I thought he was teasing me.. but then he was observing it..
” Are you kidding?? Look at yours it’s just.. more then my expectations.. your sketches are so good.. dude you deserved to be in this field!” I was happy to know a guy who was into arts so much.
“I know” he smiled. And we talked about how I got into NIFT & how much I was regretting not knowing about it earlier. Meanwhile he was trying to comfort me. And then I don’t really remember the end of the conversation.. it was beautifulforsure.
I never felt so comforting and confident until this. Everything was going well until this.. but now everything was good and guess more then that actually.. I was excited for the upcoming day to arrive I really wanted to know whatkinda topic our next conversation would come up with.
• Last day of first meet :
I’m not a morning bird but I woke up early, may be the reason was excitement. I got ready.. packed my bags… It was last day of mine there.. granny served me the breakfast tho I had like half an hour to leave.. I was going to directly leave for my home after the session. It was the last day & I loved there.. traveling n all was my thing now.. even tho it was tiring but it seemed perfect routine for me.
“So, you leaving today?” A voice interrupt me.. and it was his.. I can feel the saddening tone in it. But he was trying to keep it cool.
“Yeah. It’s my last session today.. so I thought to leave directly after the session. What about you?” I was going to miss him forsure. And also wishing him to be with me until i leave the city.
“Even I’m leaving today.” I was again surprised.. he didn’t mentioned it earlier.. or as if he just changed the plannes as I was feeling where it was going.. but I didn’t initiated first.
After a ten seconds break, “when are you leaving after the session?” And I was smiling. He was still looking at my expressions and trying to understand what was i thinking.
” I’ll let you know.” I said quickly before he understands what I was feeling.. and he seemed pleased. & I was excited. ” I’ll need your number for that.” Blushing but trying to order with the same frequency.
He laughed, ” Yes. Note it down.” Still laughing but now even I was laughing. Strange. I gave him a misscall to confirm the number and left.
Reached in the institute after five mins notification bell rings, ” Safe Landing?” Now I knew he was teasing me obviously I have stumbled so many times in front of him.. tho the message wasn’t funny.
“Yes.” I smiled.
Last session was finished and he arrived fourty five minutes early. It was just two thirty in the noon. We did had lot of time to spend with eachother. Tho first half an hour I spended searching his location. And when I finally found him, I thought I would be angry and gonna shout at him but none of that happened.. I just looked at him.. waiting for me.. in a sunny afternoon that was a big thing for me.. we sat on the bus stop planning..what to do. But it was more like waste of time. We ended up searching a cafe near the travels spot to directly hop in to the travels when it’s time. But we didn’t got it till the end. So we ended up going to a hotel having some summer special juice.. and commenting on the texture.. and taste of the juices . It was fun.
We ended going to the bus station sitting one the chairs, he was still talking to me telling me his all the college kissaz trying to entertain me in anyway he can.. and trying to know about me in such a short time. It was funny to observe him.. asked about my previous life but I wasn’t so comfortable to share it. Tho there was nothing about me tell him..
“How do you like your life should be?” He asked and I could feel this eyes on mine waiting for the reply egarly.
” Simple.” I wasn’t expecting much from my life rather then to be happy with nor more and nor less..
He smiled the same way again…
After sometime we just said bye.. with a dening thought of leaving eachother.. not knowing if we could ever meet again.
Talking with him was like talking with a genuinely thoughtfull person.. I didn’t felt any kinda need to push myself into it.. it was effortless in a flow.. a fresh air flow.. with a little warm of sunlight.. little colourful flowers around.. blue sky and just us.. talking about ourself and exploring eachother in every little way.