Love is carried by the breeze.. breeze which is filled with warmth, passion, care, shades and much more that I want myself to get embrace with..
While sun rays tressing my skin.. where the breeze filled with the warmth.. makeimg my skin moisture. The chills in the pit of my stomach giving me abit ofshiver.. my eyes capturing all the colours mixing with each other on the very part of the earth, the sky and the horizon, sensing passion to every positive thought in my mind.. every shade in the colour of the flowers around me is a reminder ofthe reality of love and miraclebetweennature and me..
I feel myself whizzing over the flowers of spring, discerning love from the breeze of my midway garden towards the hall.. hoping to get possessed by that slight tenderness of love which I’m seeking of.
It’s my soul not me. It’s my intensity in the direction of affection not me.
It’s a story of a girl been lost in the world where she hopes to have atleast one glance of the boy she adored in there childhood.
Adored whole heartedly.. while being just kids, she knew there was something different the way she felt and not knowing what it was, never knew what does it really mean.. and now it’s been years they havn’t seen eachother, met or heard anything about eachother..
Where all of a sudden, in a family function there sight collide. Her expressions are happy, annoyed, embarrassed, angry, pleased, confused.. and she stands still
After these many years.. may be ten.. may be more then that. I’m seeing you today. You were unexpected to me here! You were always unexpected anyways until I remember.. After all these years and after all the unattended other functions.. you thought of attending this function?
In all this dim light chaos between you and me.. between the known andunknown people.. it’s you who feel more then knowing to me here.. all thoughts are flooding overme..
Is it even fair? It’s been so long I haven’t seen you and although I can’t even see you clearly.. the distance is too much. ‘ I want to see you.. I want to talk to you.. I have missed you so much.. where the hell have you been?! Never came to see me or never tried to contact me? What happened to you all of sudden didn’t you ever missed me? Or I’m the only fool who was expecting? How could you be so cruel to me? I know I was the only one who was so close to you.. haven’t you thought even once of me in so many years? I tried to know about you and no one knew anything! No one knew how was you.. or what were you doing these days.. I know there are times when things get changed but I wasn’t expecting this from you.. I have never wanted this to happen at any cost.’ And I don’t even know how my expressions are while looking at you now.. I just hope you won’t understand the rage with in me.. I can’t handle myself from controlling them. I don’t want to.. my heart is paining likesomeonehas stabbed it.
Iwish there is no one watching me.. I’m sure if anyone sees me in this moment, they’ll understand something is wrong with me and I don’t want that. But I can’t move.. it’s hard to even say something to anyone now. I’m trying to distract my mind and it’s hanged up like there is nothing on earth I can think about rather then him. I tried my best as I ignored him in seconds and thoughts running in my mind.. same as before..but more anxious.
The time we looked at eachother.. the way his expressions was a bit confused.. like he was analysing, remembering looking at me. He might be not sure about who I’m. It’s been so long.. even I was confused looking at him.. but it was less then a second, how can I forgot him tho.
Idon’t know about him anything now, what is he doing.. how’s his life.. how is he.. even his thoughts about me.. I have no idea. I don’t know if he feels the same way I feel or felt for him.. suddenly tears forming up in my eyes.
I was wondering.. why destiny is so cruel with me.. I didn’t wanted to go things in this way I never wanted this.. I have lost a big part of mine losing everything between us all these years and I can’t bear loosing more.
‘ let’s meet again, for the first time and start over.. let’s just make things right the way they were supposed to be. ‘
Although, that one glance has pleased me in so many ways. I’m satisfied.. knowing he is alive and good. I was feeling the same wave of his nature as it was. Soft and secretive.. observentandknowing..
I don’t want to talk and I hope he wishes the same.. I have tried getting myself together all these years, staying happy without thinking about him.. I don’t want to build hopes again after interacting with him.
So, till the time we left the function I hold myself to not search for him.. or look at him.. I never search for him or tried looking at him and so we didn’t interact till the end.. we left the function and things continued the way theywere..just a slight better..
7.8 week of quarantine, we are with our families happy, safe and chilling to the fullest, pursuing our leisure in the best way, trying new things, learning, thinking, sharing, caring and loving.
• Moments :
This pandemic has taught so much to us in many ways. Quarantine has been a recurring journey to me. Every single thought and memories in my mind has got place in so many different act of faith, credence, belief, trust, creed and mere self-realizations..
I loved the time i got to spend with my family. Talking about everythingI want.. asking what all they know.. how do they knew so much.. about there childhood, everything the cultures and experience they had.. and other different things.. the vibe of elders wanting us to know all about fun they use to have and a slight hint from that realising us missing good things more then we could imagine in this age.. and other anecdotes of joys and happiness.. listening to them feels blessfull.
Trying new things were the one when there was nothing to do and I just took a glance towards mom, she was making thin crisp cakes.. and I helped her out with that.. while rolling them I just felt nice in a lovely way I still don’t know why!.. was it because I was with her helping, chatting and laughing and realising it’s been so long I haven’t observed her so much.. she is ageing.. tho still looks beautiful.. always trying to learn new things.. happy in her own way.. i have missed her.. mean while she taught me how to make thethin crispcakes..
Lively it feels to watch the tress and plants of our garden.. Those are always moving when the air flows.. green and graceful. Watering them is what makes me feel close to the nature.. it seems like they are getting some tickling sensetions while I bedew water on them. The green long leafs shows the solace. Green colour in them gets brighter as if the is water hydrating the plants inside out.. and smiling while looking at me. And also the smell of petrichor!
Cooking was never a priority, until I tried something and then.. the compliments were pretty satisfing. So I taught to keep trying new recipes. YouTube helped me with the recipes, techniques, dishes.. and Instagrams helped with the looks and garnishing things. Never thought of using social media for this. Getting this much involved kept me freshly breathable.
Evening time is cards time.. everyone sits together.. as it’s been a while seens we are playing so everyone gathers and decides things before playing. The kind of snacks we should it. A different card game discussion. Getting ready to set on one place with all the jokes, laughter and prankers. Looking at all those joyfull, happily laughing faces thinking.. these people really mean so much to me.. and how beautiful the world is.
Dinner is the best part in all this.. everyone wondering and telling eachother how much we missed being together like this.. spending hours in talking.. teasing and laughing.. discussing things and supporting.
This quarantine has taught so much to me. I’m grateful to have my family with me safe & happy.
Falling in love is not a big deal they say but promising is..
Well. Promising things isn’t a big deal, untill you ain’t sure if you’ll really mean it till the end. Promising love is one of them.. it’s like destiny of life.
Although we count love on promises. Which later made me feel guilty not to understand myself . To know about how deep I can get into things and my limitations.. as I considered love wasn’t one of things to care much about. It was beautiful for me in everyway I saw.. never thought of examin before promising it.
• Memories :
You were so pure..it felt nothing but love. Like dwan to me.. I had nothing to loose, but you, with a wonderful vibe making my day go alive as ever.. never felt alive so much before.. so conscious.. absorbing every moment of the day to seese it into my memory and never ever forgetting it. Observing every sight of your eyes to make sure what you are really thinking about.. but every sight I have ever seen was you looking at me dazzling in wonder of no idea what.. just pleased by all my facial movements.. watching you devotedlyinto me everytime.. the lingering touch of yours mademy heart always skip a beat..And I knew I was in love.. truely, hopelessly and unconditionally.
• Reason :
It’s such an awfull thing when the time came, you did nothing but leave. Left like I meant nothing to you, like you never promised to love me ever. You left like there was no us before. You left like I wasn’t there in your life ever to think about me for once before leaving. You left like there was no stress to let go me. Because while promising the love to me, these were the things I did count on it.And I can see the promises fading now.
Every relation as some concequences.. but that doesn’t mean you should leave. Afterall it’s all about what you truely felt the most at the end. Was it love or was it hate? Cause I know, love is the only feeling which kills hate. Did you feeel love in any of the corners of your heart??if no! then tell me what made it fade?? What made you fade my love? What made you fade us? What made you forget your promises?? ( Screaming while sobbing, trying to beg for knowing the answers in doubt.)
• The Rage :
Now that I know none of those promises were true. Will you tell me what was it all about? I’m still not believing it.. I don’t want to. How could you do this to me? To anyone? I know it was true. The love was true or is true? I’m not wrong.. my heart won’t lie. I can feel it.. even now. Just tell me the truth and that’s it. You promised me. You promised me that you won’t leave me alone.. come back. Please! Just for a second but come back.. I just can’t go through this pain.. it’s too much. You promised me.( Sobbing in love, fury and emotions.. felt becoming unconscious.. and hoped to never come back to the consciousness. )
Didn’t you realisewhile promising the love, how am I going to go through this..? after you leaving me.
Love has never been understandable to me. I do not expect it to be comprehensible tho, if I got to know what it feels like.. may be I won’t able to experience the whole charm of it. And I know that’s what it’sall about, the charm.
• “Love is blind.” – Shakespeare :
Ever since I got to know about love, it was alot like philosophical, alot like fantasy, alot like deep, alot like me basically. That’s how I always imagine it to be like.. too natural to handle, too beautiful in a way, fasinating then I could ever imagine.
But, whenever I expirenced love in person it felt over the top everytime. The moment I felt that I tried to understand what was going on within me. It was strange. The way I felt was weird in the sense. I got confused at the same time, all this happened in that one moment and I was still trying to get myself into the moment, to get comfortable and feel nice. But none of that happened. This feeling seemed unfamiliar to me.
After sometime I just thought about it and felt like I was afraid. Afraid of getting too much into love. I realised being in love & fantasizing was more comfortable and convenient rather then being afraid of loosing someonein the end. But I also knew, love is all about being afraid of loosing eachother, being afraid of getting apart, being afraid of missing eachother in every moment.. and I knew it takes a alot to do that.. I didn’t know if I could be able to go through it.
Every single cell of my body, mind & soul was yearning for love. Even after knowing all the concequences I was ready to go through anything it wouldtake now. Seems like Shakespeare was right..
• Reality :
You get to know the truest sense of love when you are just giving it, tho ain’t expecting love in return. This one thought is what it takes to understand love in its purest form.
Being Lovable is what I felt when I was in love.. and now, it’s nearly impossible to change what I feel about love.
Love is unconditional in its own form in life.. pure in every form of life.
I do think about it randomly and feels like it’s the purest sense of life. And as I know now, a true sense of life islove.
It’s never been this hard to talk about anything but this. May be because it’s normal. Normal to think about other things, to understand and accept them rather then ourselves.
Basically, it’s in human behaviour. Where we can please people but not ourselves. Just because we have never observed us enough to know ourselves. Observing gives the ability to understand who we really are. It helps us to understand our behaviour.. the way we look at the world. And you realise if you are good going or not. And that realisation helps us to find ourselves in many ways.. to think for a minute. Its like meditation. Patience in a way to love yourself throughly.
• Realisation :
I have been trying to know myself from very long time. And basically it is important to know about ourselves to understand what we feel, what we think, what we observe around us.. and in which way you look at yourself in the mirror. It is important to me to forgive myself in everyway I could to able to love myself enough, even if it’s realising that how saddening the times from which I have gone through or how harsh I get when I’m angry.
I want to practice enough to stand straight for the way I’m. To believe myself that I’ll be able to handle at my lowest and to be the responsibile of my own decisions. To not look for or count on anyone else at any situation. To be self-reliant. Independent enough to look at myself and feel proud to know I have handled things in every positive way I could. To say myselfit’s ok..
I truely & genuinely believe in SELFLOVE. It’s not just because it’s about ” Me Being Me.” But it’s also about the way I want to be a kind of girl who cherishes herself for the way she is, & I don’t think any of the compliments or comments matters untill you know yourself throughly.
Selflove is not just about being the way you are making yourself comfortable in it. Selflove is a thought where you can find yourself truely being you and understanding you, accepting the fact that the way you think is beautiful, the way you stand is beautiful, the way you see is beautiful, the way you smile is beautiful.